Life. (continued...)

Waiting for my flight back to Singapore now. Decided to continue where i left off the other time. Well, I think i can safely say that i have completed my reflections for the year and it's time to make some resolutions.


I left off from the previous post, Waiting and Expecting...


I spent Christmas in Tokyo, where I didnt feel Christmas. There was no sense of hope, joy or love. No cause of celebration. As much as I try to remember that it was Jesus our saviour who was born on this day, I found no reason to celebrate. I did not find Jesus on Christmas day :(


I was just wondering, I planned this trip so that i can be away from the hustle and bustle of my life in Singapore, hoping to unwind, chillax and just a time to seek God and find my direction in Him once again. Yet on Christmas day, as someone posted on my FB: There were the lights and deco and fat snowmans. But no Jesus. I was pretty downcast during that leg of the trip, I was bombarded with memories by a failed relationship, memories of the mistakes I've made, the people i fail to reach out. Totally man. On a Christmas day. Where is Jesus?


"I sometimes think we expect too much of Christmas Day. We try to crowd into it the long arrears of kindliness and humanity of the whole year. As for me, I like to take my Christmas a little at a time, all through the year. And thus I drift along into the holidays - let them overtake me unexpectedly - waking up some... fine morning and suddenly saying to myself: "Why, this is Christmas Day!"


Went back to Nagoya, then it was off to Osaka with a pretty down spirit. Attended Jesus Lifehouse Church - A Hillsong Family Church. Thank God that it was a English/Japanese service with its congregation of age 20 and above. I had an amazing time just worshipping God (songs had jap translation). wooo One Way Jesus is jap haha. Awesome stuff. Everyone was just jumping and dancing for God. It was magical to see Japanese, Taiwanese, Americans, Australians, Singaporeans etc just worshipping One God. During the time of worship, I found God. Or perhaps God found me. It was a rush of the holy spirit that brought tears to my eyes, to know that Nothing is impossible with Him.


Had a pretty interesting message title: " How to prepare for a HOT marriage!" Technically it was about BGR and the purpose behind it and how we should go about selecting our life partner. God had to bring me to Japan to listen to this. I think its because, only now that I am ready to accept what he has to say. The preacher talked about many things and also many practical tips to go about doing it. A few statements he made, pierced my heart, because I know that I had made that mistake. Some mistakes that I did not see also surfaced. It was totally a "hey, now you know, dont do it again!" by God. At the end, I was re-affirmed that God has a special someone for me. And He will bring her into my life. haha. Interesting thing. The preacher prayed for 2010 to be a relationships year. haha oh wells, we'll see about that.


At church, also had a great chat with the people, and it is amazing to see what God is doing in these people's life and in Japan. Praise God for His ministry.

It was off to more sightseeing and fun in Osaka and Kyoto. I really also must give thanks for Damien and his friend Kita for bringing me around and refusing to teach me japanese.

Waiting and Expecting...

Psalms 42:11
Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.


It has been a year of ups and downs (mainly downs), very emotional year. I thank God for bringing me through it. Gonna take the next few days to do up some resolutions...I have some hopes in mind and how to achieve it, so thats good.

I guess this sums up my reflections for the year :) Waiting, hoping, wishing. Expecting.

Life.

Its been a while since i took time to chill and reflect about life. Am glad to have this opportunity to be here in Japan just chilling out and thinking about life.

As I travel the streets of Japan, I see a civic conscious society. I see perfection and passion in the things they do and the strive for greater heights.

I begin to wonder, am I striving for something greater? something better then what I am experiencing now. Or maybe everything seems cool to me. I like my status quo. No hurry to change. You know, just let things flow and when it happens. It happens. Carefree.

So yea, as i was by the water the other day, a voice in my mind sounded off:

"Wait, my child. Wait with an expectant heart."

Sounds like a watchnight service message title. haha. Pondering upon the line, 2 words shot out at me.

1. Wait
- to remain inactive or in a state of repose, as until something expected happens.

2. Expectant
- an act of anticipation.

Wait is passive. Expect is active. A war began to broke out in my mind.

What if i just want to wait? I'm tired of expecting things. Tired of disappointments and tears when things fail to happen. Tired of life. I just want to flow with life, let it take me as it goes...

Would I be a "bad christian?" Would I not be following what God has installed for me? I mean the essence of our faith is probably the anticipation of something better--a better tomorrow, a better future, the fulfillment of God's perfect will in each of our lives would have to been something better than what it is now. The promise of eternal life. The promise of love, hope peace and joy in our lives.

More than 6 months has past since my relationship with _ failed. For close to 3 years, i felt that my life was great, perfect, smooth. I had the girl of my dreams to share my life with, both of us actively and joyfully serving God in youth ministry, building up the worship team, survived Poly/JC and now doing very well in army. We had talks about getting married and kids and dogs and even a farm. We enjoyed each others company and families and boy was it great.

We complemented each other and man, it was a good 3 years despite some of the issues we had. It seemed to me that it was God's good and perfect plan. The way things are doing and progressing, my world was complete with _.

"It's a privilege to be loved and an honour to have the power to love."

Then things turned for the worst. I eased into the whole idea of a relationship too easily. I began taking for granted and neglecting things. By the time i realised my mistakes, neither of us were prepared for what happened. Damn, it was painful and bad.

If you ask me what is the one thing i regretted this year.

- My failed relationship with __.

If you ask me what is the one thing i am proud of this year.

- I survived :) haha.

But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint. - Isaiah 40:31

Waiting and Expecting. Hmm..

It is at this point our hearts become desperate, our faith is proved, and our hope is purified.
I can remember experience after experience where I have cried out to God for help. When going through those times, I think that if I could just get out of this one pit all would be well.

However, not long after the Lord delivers me from one set of problems, I find myself in another whole set of problems. And again I am seeking His help with the same kind of desperate prayer. It began to dawn on me that God has carefully planned out these 'pauses' in life in order to renew, strengthen, humble and focus us on God.

Well, gonna carry on with my reflections and resolutions for the New Year, One thing i am sure of though. If given a chance to make right my broken relationship, i will do so. I believe my patience and sincerity will move her heart someday.

"In real love; you want the good for the person ..."