| Three passions have governed my life: The longings for love, the search for knowledge, And unbearable pity for the suffering of [humankind]. Love brings ecstasy and relieves loneliness. In the union of love I have seen In a mystic miniature the prefiguring vision Of the heavens that saints and poets have imagined. With equal passion I have sought knowledge. I have wished to understand the hearts of [people]. I have wished to know why the stars shine. Love and knowledge led upwards to the heavens, But always pity brought me back to earth; Cries of pain reverberated in my heart Of children in famine, of victims tortured And of old people left helpless. I long to alleviate the evil, but I cannot, And I too suffer. This has been my life; I found it worth living. -adapted- |
Thursday, July 15, 2010
3 Passions
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Saturday, May 29, 2010
One day, I'll look back ....
This is for the broken hearted. I know how you feel. Empty, betrayed, and no happiness whatsoever. You don't want to laugh, because you know it's not going to help, but you don't want to cry, because it will just make you feel worse.
You feel like your heart is falling apart, but not only that, but you know soon your life is going to feel like it's falling apart too. You don't think it will ever end, and no matter what this person has done to you, it feels impossible to stop loving them. And everyone wonders why if they have hurt you so much, then why do you still love them. That's the confusing part, you don't know why, you just do, and the people who hurt you the most, and normally the ones you love the most. And then, after a few weeks, you finally feel a sense of relief, like you're getting happy again, but you know inside that you're just going into denial. And after a few more weeks, you're back to where you were an empty soul and teary eyes. You thought you got over them, but really, you just stopped showing it. And you can't help but to show it again. It leaves deep scars on your heart that are there forever. And no one understands how you feel, and how deep you are hurt, no matter who they are, because it hasn't happened to them
And even if it has, every broken heart is different. They don't know the true pain you feel and carry each and everyday now, so you learn that basically you are alone with all this. And the feeling starts to overwhelm you, and suddenly you just break down, right there, because you know you've had enough, the tears just instantly start flowing, and you're to the point where you don't care who see's.
Because you've spent so many nights lying awake in bed, and so many days being haunted by the scars and fear of rejection. And in the midst of all these tears, you know that its not helping any, and it's not going to bring them back, if you ever even had them in the first place.
After about a million tears have been cried, you finally pull yourself back together and keep going. Your throat starts to clench and your eyes burn with the tears you are trying to hold back. Everyone says, "It will be okay…” But you know it won't. And that’s the truth, it won’t. And you look back on all of the hurt you had from this, and you realize that people are horrible. You're still hurt, but you've learned to hide it so that everyone thinks you are okay.
So now every time you see this person, you know you still love them, and you feel a slight tingle in your heart yearning for them to love you, screaming out, but for some reason they don't hear it.
And then you sit back and wonder how one person could have caused all of this...
You feel like your heart is falling apart, but not only that, but you know soon your life is going to feel like it's falling apart too. You don't think it will ever end, and no matter what this person has done to you, it feels impossible to stop loving them. And everyone wonders why if they have hurt you so much, then why do you still love them. That's the confusing part, you don't know why, you just do, and the people who hurt you the most, and normally the ones you love the most. And then, after a few weeks, you finally feel a sense of relief, like you're getting happy again, but you know inside that you're just going into denial. And after a few more weeks, you're back to where you were an empty soul and teary eyes. You thought you got over them, but really, you just stopped showing it. And you can't help but to show it again. It leaves deep scars on your heart that are there forever. And no one understands how you feel, and how deep you are hurt, no matter who they are, because it hasn't happened to them
And even if it has, every broken heart is different. They don't know the true pain you feel and carry each and everyday now, so you learn that basically you are alone with all this. And the feeling starts to overwhelm you, and suddenly you just break down, right there, because you know you've had enough, the tears just instantly start flowing, and you're to the point where you don't care who see's.
Because you've spent so many nights lying awake in bed, and so many days being haunted by the scars and fear of rejection. And in the midst of all these tears, you know that its not helping any, and it's not going to bring them back, if you ever even had them in the first place.
After about a million tears have been cried, you finally pull yourself back together and keep going. Your throat starts to clench and your eyes burn with the tears you are trying to hold back. Everyone says, "It will be okay…” But you know it won't. And that’s the truth, it won’t. And you look back on all of the hurt you had from this, and you realize that people are horrible. You're still hurt, but you've learned to hide it so that everyone thinks you are okay.
So now every time you see this person, you know you still love them, and you feel a slight tingle in your heart yearning for them to love you, screaming out, but for some reason they don't hear it.
And then you sit back and wonder how one person could have caused all of this...
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Putting Life into Perspective
If you wake up at a different time, in a different place, could you wake up as a different person?
Sometimes I really wonder, what would happen if:I wasnt born in Singapore
I wasnt born into the family I'm in
I wasnt born a guy (haha!)
I wasnt born in the year i was born in
Or maybe if I wasnt born at all...
And I realize if that I one day would wake up to find myself in a different time, place, age etc, I totally would be a different person.
If I put my life into perspective each morning I wake up, I definitely lived my life a little differently.
Maybe I'll ask myself: What would Jesus do on a day like this... (a little miracles, probably tell a few stories, go fishing?, overturn some tables)
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Life. (continued...)
Waiting for my flight back to Singapore now. Decided to continue where i left off the other time. Well, I think i can safely say that i have completed my reflections for the year and it's time to make some resolutions.
I left off from the previous post, Waiting and Expecting...
I spent Christmas in Tokyo, where I didnt feel Christmas. There was no sense of hope, joy or love. No cause of celebration. As much as I try to remember that it was Jesus our saviour who was born on this day, I found no reason to celebrate. I did not find Jesus on Christmas day :(
I was just wondering, I planned this trip so that i can be away from the hustle and bustle of my life in Singapore, hoping to unwind, chillax and just a time to seek God and find my direction in Him once again. Yet on Christmas day, as someone posted on my FB: There were the lights and deco and fat snowmans. But no Jesus. I was pretty downcast during that leg of the trip, I was bombarded with memories by a failed relationship, memories of the mistakes I've made, the people i fail to reach out. Totally man. On a Christmas day. Where is Jesus?
"I sometimes think we expect too much of Christmas Day. We try to crowd into it the long arrears of kindliness and humanity of the whole year. As for me, I like to take my Christmas a little at a time, all through the year. And thus I drift along into the holidays - let them overtake me unexpectedly - waking up some... fine morning and suddenly saying to myself: "Why, this is Christmas Day!"
Went back to Nagoya, then it was off to Osaka with a pretty down spirit. Attended Jesus Lifehouse Church - A Hillsong Family Church. Thank God that it was a English/Japanese service with its congregation of age 20 and above. I had an amazing time just worshipping God (songs had jap translation). wooo One Way Jesus is jap haha. Awesome stuff. Everyone was just jumping and dancing for God. It was magical to see Japanese, Taiwanese, Americans, Australians, Singaporeans etc just worshipping One God. During the time of worship, I found God. Or perhaps God found me. It was a rush of the holy spirit that brought tears to my eyes, to know that Nothing is impossible with Him.
Had a pretty interesting message title: " How to prepare for a HOT marriage!" Technically it was about BGR and the purpose behind it and how we should go about selecting our life partner. God had to bring me to Japan to listen to this. I think its because, only now that I am ready to accept what he has to say. The preacher talked about many things and also many practical tips to go about doing it. A few statements he made, pierced my heart, because I know that I had made that mistake. Some mistakes that I did not see also surfaced. It was totally a "hey, now you know, dont do it again!" by God. At the end, I was re-affirmed that God has a special someone for me. And He will bring her into my life. haha. Interesting thing. The preacher prayed for 2010 to be a relationships year. haha oh wells, we'll see about that.
At church, also had a great chat with the people, and it is amazing to see what God is doing in these people's life and in Japan. Praise God for His ministry.
It was off to more sightseeing and fun in Osaka and Kyoto. I really also must give thanks for Damien and his friend Kita for bringing me around and refusing to teach me japanese.
Waiting and Expecting...
Psalms 42:11
Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.
It has been a year of ups and downs (mainly downs), very emotional year. I thank God for bringing me through it. Gonna take the next few days to do up some resolutions...I have some hopes in mind and how to achieve it, so thats good.
I guess this sums up my reflections for the year :) Waiting, hoping, wishing. Expecting.
I left off from the previous post, Waiting and Expecting...
I spent Christmas in Tokyo, where I didnt feel Christmas. There was no sense of hope, joy or love. No cause of celebration. As much as I try to remember that it was Jesus our saviour who was born on this day, I found no reason to celebrate. I did not find Jesus on Christmas day :(
I was just wondering, I planned this trip so that i can be away from the hustle and bustle of my life in Singapore, hoping to unwind, chillax and just a time to seek God and find my direction in Him once again. Yet on Christmas day, as someone posted on my FB: There were the lights and deco and fat snowmans. But no Jesus. I was pretty downcast during that leg of the trip, I was bombarded with memories by a failed relationship, memories of the mistakes I've made, the people i fail to reach out. Totally man. On a Christmas day. Where is Jesus?
"I sometimes think we expect too much of Christmas Day. We try to crowd into it the long arrears of kindliness and humanity of the whole year. As for me, I like to take my Christmas a little at a time, all through the year. And thus I drift along into the holidays - let them overtake me unexpectedly - waking up some... fine morning and suddenly saying to myself: "Why, this is Christmas Day!"
Went back to Nagoya, then it was off to Osaka with a pretty down spirit. Attended Jesus Lifehouse Church - A Hillsong Family Church. Thank God that it was a English/Japanese service with its congregation of age 20 and above. I had an amazing time just worshipping God (songs had jap translation). wooo One Way Jesus is jap haha. Awesome stuff. Everyone was just jumping and dancing for God. It was magical to see Japanese, Taiwanese, Americans, Australians, Singaporeans etc just worshipping One God. During the time of worship, I found God. Or perhaps God found me. It was a rush of the holy spirit that brought tears to my eyes, to know that Nothing is impossible with Him.
Had a pretty interesting message title: " How to prepare for a HOT marriage!" Technically it was about BGR and the purpose behind it and how we should go about selecting our life partner. God had to bring me to Japan to listen to this. I think its because, only now that I am ready to accept what he has to say. The preacher talked about many things and also many practical tips to go about doing it. A few statements he made, pierced my heart, because I know that I had made that mistake. Some mistakes that I did not see also surfaced. It was totally a "hey, now you know, dont do it again!" by God. At the end, I was re-affirmed that God has a special someone for me. And He will bring her into my life. haha. Interesting thing. The preacher prayed for 2010 to be a relationships year. haha oh wells, we'll see about that.
At church, also had a great chat with the people, and it is amazing to see what God is doing in these people's life and in Japan. Praise God for His ministry.
It was off to more sightseeing and fun in Osaka and Kyoto. I really also must give thanks for Damien and his friend Kita for bringing me around and refusing to teach me japanese.
Waiting and Expecting...
Psalms 42:11
Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.
It has been a year of ups and downs (mainly downs), very emotional year. I thank God for bringing me through it. Gonna take the next few days to do up some resolutions...I have some hopes in mind and how to achieve it, so thats good.
I guess this sums up my reflections for the year :) Waiting, hoping, wishing. Expecting.
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Life.
Its been a while since i took time to chill and reflect about life. Am glad to have this opportunity to be here in Japan just chilling out and thinking about life.
As I travel the streets of Japan, I see a civic conscious society. I see perfection and passion in the things they do and the strive for greater heights.
I begin to wonder, am I striving for something greater? something better then what I am experiencing now. Or maybe everything seems cool to me. I like my status quo. No hurry to change. You know, just let things flow and when it happens. It happens. Carefree.
So yea, as i was by the water the other day, a voice in my mind sounded off:
"Wait, my child. Wait with an expectant heart."
Sounds like a watchnight service message title. haha. Pondering upon the line, 2 words shot out at me.
1. Wait
- to remain inactive or in a state of repose, as until something expected happens.
2. Expectant
- an act of anticipation.
Wait is passive. Expect is active. A war began to broke out in my mind.
What if i just want to wait? I'm tired of expecting things. Tired of disappointments and tears when things fail to happen. Tired of life. I just want to flow with life, let it take me as it goes...
Would I be a "bad christian?" Would I not be following what God has installed for me? I mean the essence of our faith is probably the anticipation of something better--a better tomorrow, a better future, the fulfillment of God's perfect will in each of our lives would have to been something better than what it is now. The promise of eternal life. The promise of love, hope peace and joy in our lives.
More than 6 months has past since my relationship with _ failed. For close to 3 years, i felt that my life was great, perfect, smooth. I had the girl of my dreams to share my life with, both of us actively and joyfully serving God in youth ministry, building up the worship team, survived Poly/JC and now doing very well in army. We had talks about getting married and kids and dogs and even a farm. We enjoyed each others company and families and boy was it great.
We complemented each other and man, it was a good 3 years despite some of the issues we had. It seemed to me that it was God's good and perfect plan. The way things are doing and progressing, my world was complete with _.
"It's a privilege to be loved and an honour to have the power to love."
Then things turned for the worst. I eased into the whole idea of a relationship too easily. I began taking for granted and neglecting things. By the time i realised my mistakes, neither of us were prepared for what happened. Damn, it was painful and bad.
If you ask me what is the one thing i regretted this year.
- My failed relationship with __.
If you ask me what is the one thing i am proud of this year.
- I survived :) haha.
As I travel the streets of Japan, I see a civic conscious society. I see perfection and passion in the things they do and the strive for greater heights.
I begin to wonder, am I striving for something greater? something better then what I am experiencing now. Or maybe everything seems cool to me. I like my status quo. No hurry to change. You know, just let things flow and when it happens. It happens. Carefree.
So yea, as i was by the water the other day, a voice in my mind sounded off:
"Wait, my child. Wait with an expectant heart."
Sounds like a watchnight service message title. haha. Pondering upon the line, 2 words shot out at me.
1. Wait
- to remain inactive or in a state of repose, as until something expected happens.
2. Expectant
- an act of anticipation.
Wait is passive. Expect is active. A war began to broke out in my mind.
What if i just want to wait? I'm tired of expecting things. Tired of disappointments and tears when things fail to happen. Tired of life. I just want to flow with life, let it take me as it goes...
Would I be a "bad christian?" Would I not be following what God has installed for me? I mean the essence of our faith is probably the anticipation of something better--a better tomorrow, a better future, the fulfillment of God's perfect will in each of our lives would have to been something better than what it is now. The promise of eternal life. The promise of love, hope peace and joy in our lives.
More than 6 months has past since my relationship with _ failed. For close to 3 years, i felt that my life was great, perfect, smooth. I had the girl of my dreams to share my life with, both of us actively and joyfully serving God in youth ministry, building up the worship team, survived Poly/JC and now doing very well in army. We had talks about getting married and kids and dogs and even a farm. We enjoyed each others company and families and boy was it great.
We complemented each other and man, it was a good 3 years despite some of the issues we had. It seemed to me that it was God's good and perfect plan. The way things are doing and progressing, my world was complete with _.
"It's a privilege to be loved and an honour to have the power to love."
Then things turned for the worst. I eased into the whole idea of a relationship too easily. I began taking for granted and neglecting things. By the time i realised my mistakes, neither of us were prepared for what happened. Damn, it was painful and bad.
If you ask me what is the one thing i regretted this year.
- My failed relationship with __.
If you ask me what is the one thing i am proud of this year.
- I survived :) haha.
But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint. - Isaiah 40:31
Waiting and Expecting. Hmm..
It is at this point our hearts become desperate, our faith is proved, and our hope is purified.
I can remember experience after experience where I have cried out to God for help. When going through those times, I think that if I could just get out of this one pit all would be well.
However, not long after the Lord delivers me from one set of problems, I find myself in another whole set of problems. And again I am seeking His help with the same kind of desperate prayer. It began to dawn on me that God has carefully planned out these 'pauses' in life in order to renew, strengthen, humble and focus us on God.
Well, gonna carry on with my reflections and resolutions for the New Year, One thing i am sure of though. If given a chance to make right my broken relationship, i will do so. I believe my patience and sincerity will move her heart someday.
"In real love; you want the good for the person ..."
Waiting and Expecting. Hmm..
It is at this point our hearts become desperate, our faith is proved, and our hope is purified.
I can remember experience after experience where I have cried out to God for help. When going through those times, I think that if I could just get out of this one pit all would be well.
However, not long after the Lord delivers me from one set of problems, I find myself in another whole set of problems. And again I am seeking His help with the same kind of desperate prayer. It began to dawn on me that God has carefully planned out these 'pauses' in life in order to renew, strengthen, humble and focus us on God.
Well, gonna carry on with my reflections and resolutions for the New Year, One thing i am sure of though. If given a chance to make right my broken relationship, i will do so. I believe my patience and sincerity will move her heart someday.
"In real love; you want the good for the person ..."
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Reflections Of A Church Intern
Psalm 1: 1-3
1 Blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked or stand in the way of sinners or sit in the seat of mockers.
2 But his delight is in the law of the LORD, and on his law he meditates day and night.
3 He is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither. Whatever he does prospers.
Jeremiah 17:7-8
7 "But blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD, whose confidence is in him.
8 He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit."
I guess these two parallel verses above sums up my internship experience here in Trinity Methodist Church. Having just graduated from polytechnic, I was considering whether continue an internship in the media industry or to do something else. The Lord impressed upon me Psalms 1. It took me awhile to understand the meaning behind what was said and eventually that’s how I decided to do an internship in church.
I thank God for Ivan, Pastor Bernard and Pastor Dianna for closely supervising my time here and giving me opportunities to experience different areas of ministry. Also, the church staff has also been very nice to me, feeding me and helping me when I’m in need.
Here are some of the experiences I had and some thoughts I have about them:
Visiting the sick in hospital
Visiting the sick is one of the ways to express concern and care for them and at the same time, strengthen and develop social relationships with them and their family. Being ambassadors of Christ we put hope and optimism into their hearts as we encourage them to be strong and pray for their recovery.
Serving Communion to the homebound
This is about bringing Jesus to the people who are unable to go to church. It symbolizes the presence of God with them even if they were not able to worship together as a corporate body in church. I feel that this is one of the beautiful things in Christian ministry – being able to bring or share God’s love even to those who can’t make it to church.
The Connection
I’ve enjoyed attending the connection so far. I have gained many insights into the Lord’s Prayer in the past few sessions. Worship leading during the prayer meeting forces me to think of songs to fit the theme and also the congregation. This too helped me in improving my worship leading skills.
Youth Ministry Work
With more time at hand, I could look more into youth ministry stuff. I had a great time meeting up with the core group, with Pastor Bernard and also with some of the youths. Planning and developing plans for youth ministry and also fellowship and catching up with one another. I could also look more into my worship team and my worship leading skills. I also managed to have a feel of Contact 123 and the Alpha Course, both outreach programmes. I see that they have great potential with the youth ministry. Youth Ministry is definitely something I enjoy doing for now; after being so intimately involved with it. Let’s see how the Lord leads.
LMS Planning Retreat
Through this retreat and the many Wednesday morning meetings. I have come to learn more about the church and its ministries. I’ve learnt the way the church functions and of the big dreams and visions that we have. I also got to know the lay ministry staff and the pastors better.
Photo-taking Exercise
This was a difficult one. I learnt to put my trust in the youths. Knowing that if anything goes wrong, it would be hard to rectify. It has taught me several administrative skills and also how to manage and handle a team.
Church Camp
400+ people at camp was amazing. It is definitely God’s work. I thank God for the great youth “party” that was carried out on the second day. To see the happy faces and good response from the youths is definitely satisfying after the laborious planning with Eugene and Xiaorong. I also thank God for the opportunity to work with some of the adults leading worship and also a chance to lead a worship session. Leading a congregation of 300 is probably nerve-wrecking but surprisingly it wasn’t that bad. I got to work on my pitch. It was a great camp. I managed to “connect” with some youths which I have not had the chance to during YM. I thank also thank God for the powerful prayers of the Chinese ministry that really touch my heart.
The fruit of the spirit – love. As I spoke about loving God with all our heart, with all our soul and with all our strength to the youths during one of the youth meetings, I mentioned that: “As I ponder upon this commandment and be honest to myself, I am humbled and broken, because I realize that,”I do not love him with all my heart, soul, and strength! My mind and feelings do not dwell completely in the Lord. My heart does not beat for God only, my subconscious is not filled with the love of God and my inner being is not directed toward the Creator alone. I do love God but I have not loved him with all my being.”
As I look at the church at work, as I see how God is moving in this church, I am beginning to appreciate the things that God has done. I’ve begin to give thanks more often and always praise Him for what He has done. I’ve begin to learn what it means to live from the inside out and what it means to be putting others before self. As I begin the next chapter of my youth, I look forward to see what God is going to do.
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